TRIGGER WARNING: HOMOPHOBIA/RACISM, SELF HARM
I have some apologies to make.
I have been putting this off for a while, mostly because I didn't really know how to go about this... all that I knew was I needed to say what I'm about to say. I need to get it off my chest, because I feel like I would be lying to the people that support me if they didn't know this about me. I apologize if this is a bit messy, because I don't really know how best to go about this still. I might as well just go for it.
I guess I'll just get right into it...
One of the first things I wanted to apologize for my racist and homophobic remarks in the past. Long story short, I was sorta passed down some really shitty beliefs from a very young age, which unfortunately I have retained until 4 years ago. (To be clear, this is not an excuse for what I have done, and no context really makes it any better, but I do hope it sheds some light on where I was at mentally.)
This led me to start judging people for... you know, just being themselves. I think I was doing this for about 7-8 years, if not more so. I also ended up criticizing close friends I was with, and brought this behavior to communities that I was in (probably most evident, the Lock Legion). I even ended up breaking up with one of my partners due to their lifestyle. (I am so sorry by the way, if you're reading this.)
I think I only stopped fully around 2021ish, and I sorta realized I was a gigantic prick. But by then it was too late, and I have made the world a worse place to live in due to my ignorance. I have tried my best to apologize for my bigotry, and I am apologizing here to anyone in particular who was hurt by me, just in case I haven't reached out to you personally; I am sorry for everything.
I have linked some related charities below... I'm aware that this won't magically undo what I have said and done in the past, but it's the least I can do.
National Center for Transgender Equality
Suicide Hotline (USA): 988
Suicide Hotline (UK): 08006895652
Suicide Hotline (Australia): 131114
I also have some really shitty sexual background on the internet, too. If anyone who I have encountered is reading this, then you probably know what I'm talking about. I won't dive too deep into it to protect the identities of the people I interacted with, but I'll provide enough that it's clear what I'm talking about:
In 2022, some of you may remember I made a cartoon for the Lock Legion specifically made around a dare that my friend gave to me, specifically our Lock identities performing sexual acts on one person in specific, in a comical manner. My memory is a bit fuzzy, but I think that person told me that he was uncomfortable with me making porn of his character, specifically at my age (14 at the time). He eventually came around to the idea, but I think the fact that I went through with it in the first place was still a bit weird... I tried to defend myself on the LL server, but really, there is no excuse. If you're seeing this, I'm sorry. I have since then taken down the cartoon, and have no intention of putting it back up.
I kinda almost did this again for another Lock Legion cartoon... to those unaware, I am gay. I was in the middle of making a cartoon for Lock Day, and during that time my ex boyfriend was with me at the time. (Identity anonymous, obviously.) I wasn't out yet, and I said that I wanted to be dating a girl in the cartoon as to not reveal my sexual identity... clearly this raised a red flag as he stated several times he was uncomfortable with the idea, despite him not actually being in the cartoon itself. I ended up canning the cartoon entirely because of this, which is why I kinda had a rushed Lock Day entry last year. If you're reading this, I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, that was not my intent at all... the whole point of having a partner in that cartoon was for comedic effect, but clearly I struck a bad chord, so I am really sorry.
I also wanted to say sorry in specific to two members from the Lock Legion who have since left... I will leave them anonymous and I will try not to go deep into it as to not stir any drama... But to sum it up, I got in a relationship with one of them, and then cheated on them with the other on the same day due to us already doing lewd stuff together prior to our relationship. They insisted that we continued behind the scenes, which I obliged and felt really awful about, to a point where I ended up sort of having a mental breakdown on call with that person. They ended up telling the other what we were up to, and it was over. I left a statement to the person I was with, and it was done.
A while later, that same person messaged me fighting back with my statement, and we argued for a bit to a point where they were just trying to aggravate me. I essentially told them that I would harm myself if they didn't leave me alone, to which they finally did leave me alone.
I have thought about this situation nonstop for YEARS since then, and I have done nothing but felt bad about it. I think about everything that I could've done better during that time, especially around the suicide threatening stuff. That was nothing but irresponsible, I am so so sorry that I did that, nobody should ever be put in that situation. Regardless of if I felt the statement was warranted or not, it does not and ALWAYS will not warrant my irresponsible behavior.
This is my last resort of trying to reach out and apologize to them... I tried sending them a message and I'm unsure if they got it or not. So this is it, this is my final message to those involved:
I am so so sorry for everything I did. I hope you are okay from what happened, and I hope you both are doing well.
And that is all I can think of right now... if there is anything I missed, PLEASE let me know in my DM's. I will personally apologize to you. I am genuinely serious, please tell me.
I have been trying to change myself for the better recently, and I think the first step is to apologize to those who need it the most. This apology has been long due, and I think it's about time I did something about it. I want to give one final sorry to everyone... I really hope you are all doing well now.
I think that pretty much wraps up everything... Thank you for reading this through all the way if you have, and I hope you're having a good day.
EDIT: I have also included the suicide hotline from various different regions, since it also seems fitting. If anyone wants any other numbers added, DM me. I will update when I can.
EDIT 2: I have edited someone out of my statement, due to me not giving them the privacy that everyone else has recieved. I have unintentionally brought them into a situation where they are being held responsible for my actions, for what is supposed to be me taking accountability. I overshared, and as a result, I risked them being in the crossfire for my actions. I'm sorry. For those who are aware of the person I am referring to, please leave them alone, and let them have their privacy.